Big Leap of Faith

Made this for the masses today.

http://youtu.be/9o0V4pQirq0

Timing

We have some really great news and I've been wanting to share it, write about it, add these memories to the memories that we have recorded here.  But I haven't been able to - I haven't been here in many months. I've wanted to and tried to, but grief often steals our joy.  Whispers cruel thoughts into our quiet moments. I'm torn for sure. This one is personal, it's hard to relive and there are days that I want to bury it deep inside and share it with no one but in the end - it's a part of us, of our story.

Written:   Sunday, January 20, 2013

I am a planner.  Big decisions require big plans.  It's a lot of work actually. Make a plan, research it, lots of lists, lots of things to consider, need to get the insight of others and then you sit down and weigh the options and you come out on the other side with the best decision. One carefully weighed, carefully evaluated decision.  And then you hit go.

I'm trying to let go of this need for control. To know that I can only control so much, the rest really lies in the hands of God and his plans for our lives.  I know this but I am learning to really trust him.  I yearn to trust him - to give him all of the control.  I know that he loves me and only has the very best in-store for me - but if I am being 100% honest - I am just not there yet.  I can give him the little things but I struggle at times to give him the big ones.  But I am trying. Every. Single. Day.  I am trying to let go and let him.

Yesterday is evidence of that.  Yesterday I took a test and saw two faint lines.  And later, a more expensive test offered this - "Pregnant."   Shock.  Utter shock.  I've not been feeling like myself. I've been unusually tired, but I've been staying up late and not drinking enough water. I felt certain I knew what I needed to do to feel better. Shock, just shock.  All day long.

This morning Mike and I had a conversation about the way I kept referring to our news as "unplanned."  It bothered him.  Didn't bother me. For me it was 100% completely true.   I didn't plan every single step...we didn't have a meeting of the minds to weigh every single choice and the outcome. There were no lists.  No calendars.  It wasn't the timing I had envisioned.  There's Disney and work and what about putting the house on the market....later in the year really would have worked better for me.  And am I really ready for this?  Are we really ready for this?  But we were open to this, he said - we knew what could happen. Listen - I explained - I am happy about it, really I am.  I'm just a planner and this is just not what I am use to. 

And then in church this morning he read these words and the tears started to well up in my eyes:
 
Psalm 139 : 13-18

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

You my tiny little, precious miracle were planned long before we ever thought about you.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  The amount of time we may or may not have spent "planning" for you pales in comparison to the time and love he has for you. His thoughts of you "outnumber the grains of sand."  We may not know very much about you - but he knows every single detail about you.  He has already seen your sweet face and your perfect little body.

You are a gift from God.  We, by no means, are perfect but yet he has still chosen to give you to us. And I am humbled.  I am in awe.  I don't have all of the details worked out - not sure where you will sleep or if it will be in this house. But none of that matters.  All of the details - big and small have already been taken care of.  They are a part of his plan.

All that matters is that you are a child of God, an heir to a king.  And as imperfect as we may be - we will love you all the days of our lives on this earth. 

Daddy was so very, very right about this one (and now you have it in writing honey).

Not long after I wrote this post and before I was able to share it and our news - we lost our sweet blessing.  I came back to add this: 

We don't always no why or have the answers but we know that we must always trust in God's timing.  Our hearts wanted you here with us but you must have been to perfect for this world because he wanted you home with him.  We will always love you sweet little one.  Can't wait to hold you in my arms one day.

But I never hit  "share."  And we didn't really share what happened except with a few. I'm almost 16 weeks pregnant.  And I'm really excited.  But I can't bring myself to write in the pregnancy book we bought and I haven't been able to blog about the funny moments that have happened this time around.  And tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks what's been holding me back. 

There is an innocence that loss takes away from you that you never get back.  We've lost two pregnancies. We know what it's like to lose something you want so much. We know what it's like when everything is suppose to be o.k., and it's not.  The worst thing possible happens.  We know what it's like to be guarded and scared and paranoid.  We lost our first one year and two weeks before Maddie was born and our second was due September 25th of this year - not long from now.  You don't forget the dates, the memories, the love you felt for the life you carried - the good and the bad all get rolled up together and stuffed way down inside of you.   

I still think of them.  I miss what we did not get to share with them.  I wonder if they were boys or girls and what they looked like. They were not mistakes.  They were both meant to be our babies.  We don't know that there was anything "wrong" with them but only that they are not here with us. There are some very difficult questions that we do not have the answers to - but we trust God and know that we will see them and hold them both in our arms some day. And even on the most difficult of days - that's enough. 

I'm still scared. There are days that I'm consumed by small details that would make you shake your head. I'm still not convinced that everything is going to be o.k.  I panic over headaches and weird twinges.  I don't believe the people that tell me not to worry - as much as I want to - I know all to well that sometimes things don't work out the way that we hope and desperately want them to.  No amount of reassurance helps.  No amount of positive test results and great appointments make these fears go away.  And yet, at the same time I'm excited and full of love for this baby. 

Love makes us realize what is most precious in life and it's also makes us all the more fearful of losing it. Love is why I decided to share this.   Our love for both of our losses, our love for Maddie and our love for this baby.  It's all the same kind of love.  And I can't not share it. It will always be a part of us, always.  And that is not a bad thing.