If you have to go pee, go now. That's right, stop reading this and go pee. If you think you might have to pee anytime in the next few minutes, go ahead and do it now. If all this talking and thinking about going pee, makes you think you might need to go, go now. Because I have the funniest story ever to tell you. It involves Maddie and the poor door to door alarm salesman that visited my house this evening. I'm not even kidding, go pee now.
Somewhere out there tonight that alarm salesman is sitting at bar, drinking a beer, a free beer. I'm guessing he probably paid for the first beer, but after he started re-hashing the details of a story I'm getting ready to tell you, if the bartender had any heart at all, the other beers have all been free of charge.
Did you pee yet?
As I was unloading Maddie and our things out of the car this afternoon a door to door salesman approached us. I noted by his shirt and his badge that he was with APX alarm systems and for the first time in my life, I was actually interested in what he had to say. We just learned today that there have been a couple of break-ins in our neighborhood (Mama - put down the phone and keep reading) and with all of the traveling that Mike does we decided today that we need to look into an alarm system for the house. I'm sure this guy was thinking he had hit the jackpot. Poor sap.
He started his speech as we stood on our front porch, while I tried to unlock and open the door and while Annie barked at him through the glass as though she might rip his head off as soon as I opened the door. And on cue, as soon as I opened the door he stopped mid-sentence and held his breath. You all know what happened next - Annie proceeded to lick him to death. And much to his satisfaction and relief the sales pitch was on again.
I put Maddie down and tried to arrange our things. He continued his pitch and we both started to sweat. Have you been outside lately? It's hot as Havana out there and we live in NC - not Cuba or South America. So I did the number ONE thing you are not suppose to do.....I invited him inside.
NOW - all parents and otherwise concerned adults (husbands in Canada & bffs included) reading this story thinking that I have officially lost my mind - need to know this. I could have taken him down faster than a wet noodle. He weighted all of 115 pounds, 5 of which he lost in a sweat pool standing there on my front door. And if I had passed out from the sweltering heat - he could have kidnapped Maddie. Although I'm not sure he could have taken her on either. So - we were all good folks. Plus I think he was from somewhere wholesome like Minnesota or something. They grow good people, right?
Anyway - crazy or not - I let him in. We went into the kitchen to talk security alarms and as soon as we sat down around the kitchen island my daughter turned into a vicious salesman attacker. From the moment he tried to say hello to her - she decided he was the enemy and he was in her territory (i.e. the kitchen). She gave him an evil look folks, and then did everything possible to stop him in his tracks and make him leave.
She screamed. She cried. She through her body on the floor and kicked her legs. I'm not sure if it was because Mike is not home and she saw him as a threat or because he was taking away from the time I usually spend with her. But I'm serious. She gave him an evil look and proceed to pitch the biggest fit I have ever witnessed on her behalf. I picked her up and she screamed louder. So what did he do? He started talking louder. And she met his decibel level and then some. So he got louder. And I almost started laughing out loud. Have you ever witnessed a 16 month old and a door to door salesman go head to head? He pulled out laminated charts and she took them from him and threw them on the floor. He picked them up - she repeated. Now - I got onto her because even though I found it funny, it was rude. But there was no controlling her - she was on a mission to make this man leave, immediately. That poor man tried everything he could to make her like him and got nowhere. At one point I put her down - still screaming at this point - and she waged Winnie the Pooh in her war on the salesman. She got onto her ride on scooter, backed it up and rammed it into his chair....three times! I picked her up and told her to be nice and she looked at him and said NO!
At this point I really thought I was witnessing Satan take a hold of my daughter right in front of my eyes. I couldn't believe the way she was acting. I've never witnessed anything like it. And the poor salesman kept trying to get through his speech. Finally it got to the point where I had to tell him that while yes, I was definitely interested in protecting my home and his services sounded great - for his own protection he was going to have to come back - when my husband was home and my daughter was not.
He agreed. I've never seen a door to door salesman give in so quickly and make his way to the door so fast.
I mean don't they go through training on how to persevere in the most trying of situations and to close the deal no matter the arguments that the patrons put up? Apparently, that training does not include how to overcome the wrath of a toddler because he crumbled like a cookie.
Poor guy. I have to give it to him. He signed up for round two today at 4:oo. For his sake I hope that Maddie takes a long nap this afternoon. And that he enjoyed those free beers.
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